Day 02 – Something that inspires you
Pediatrics. People who are sick and still persevere. The concept of medicine; understanding those who are sick and making them better.
Day 01 – Guilty Pleasure
Eh, I said I would start this in August so here I am finally. Sadly this one isn’t very insightful as I don’t really have a guilty pleasure. Mostly because I don’t feel guilty about things if I really like them. There are things that I’m embarrassed about (but not really either because I’m blogging about them ;P ) but why would I ever feel guilty?
I will give a couple examples. At the risk of losing my indie cred, I like Taylor Swift and Adele’s music. Meh, it’s the girl romantic in me.
I also love the movie How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days. Haven’t watched it in a loong time but I remember really liking that chick flick.
I liked playing WoW with J when I had the time and I’m pretty psyched about one day having our own server for Minecraft. I’m a nerd, what can I say.
I think there are key points in relationships where you either break up or you make it through. I would say those milestones are at 1, 3 and 5 years. And then after five years you either go the distance and move forward or you go different ways. (With the application in not engaged or married couples.) And I think that’s fair. Five years is long enough to do something about it if you’re serious and relatively short enough at a young age to find somebody else.
But it always makes me sad when long term couples break up. Ones that are steady and seem strong. I guess you never know what really happens actually within the relationships but living together, going on vacations together, being that x is always with y and talking in “we” and “us” es always makes me think they’re going to make it. And I guess it’s scary to think that if they have something that didn’t last though it seemed like it would, the same thing could apply to J and I.
(Not that I think it will so he won’t freak out when he reads this, but in general.)
So I’ve been meaning to write in here for a while…all summer actually. I guess I was hoping for some clarity which never came.
Life has been good but stressful. I never write when I’m in a good place, so it’s always best when my blogs never hear from me. I’m trying to change that but it’s hard- it feels like showcasing how fabulous things are in my life and is asking for things to go wrong. Also, my life is pretty boring and repetitive (but I like it that way). I study a lot, go out for too much sushi and hang out with J. The most exciting thing I did all week other than my last MSK clinical skills exam (which wasn’t really exciting) was play Settlers of Catan for the first time with some friends until 1am. Med students know how to party right? (We actually ditched out on the bar to finish the game.)
So, I thought I would use this post to explain my possible crazy behaviour on twitter. I haven’t really talked about it lately but I’ve been really holding it in, so this may just be a justification for the future. More than usual, I’ve been freaking out over what specialty I want to go into. There are certain time periods where I will think about it for days and then have a week or so off. J and I spent an entire weekend making spreadsheets and talking about it (best boyfriend in the world!). To be honest, I should probably be thinking about it more than I am. So, in one of my first classes of med school, one of our facilitators (like a professor) mentioned that we would need to explain some of what our life is like to people we care about who are not in the field. Because otherwise we would seem crazy, antisocial, flaky…many things. Eg. why we never have time for other people. She suggested we write a letter/email and send it out to family/friends weekly. Clearly, I have not done anything even close to that.
In order to redeem myself, I will explain why this specialty thing is such a big deal. Like, motherfucking huge. (That’s what she said!)
So we all apply to med school, with the desire to be a doctor. Very rarely do people actually know what TYPE of doctor they want to be. They might have an idea, but the actual practice of things is so different and one never truly experiences anything close to that career until you get the privileges that come with being in med school (ie/ being able to see patients on your own, reporting, pseudo diagnosing…responsibility). Plus by that time you’re just so excited to get in you’re like, “I’ll figure this shit out later”. For example, I thought I wanted to go into obstetrics/gyn or pediatrics. Not until getting into med school would it have been possible for me to see all these types of deliveries and gyn surgeries and realize that I in no way want to be a surgeon. And there is a LOT of surgery in gyn.
So yeah. Then 6 months into med school you pick what clerkship rotation you want to have. Clerkship is like internship to put it in layman’s terms. Depending on what rotation you are in, the order in which you do the interning for specialties for the rest of med school is different. And extremely important. Because a year into your clerkship you apply for residency, which determines what type of doctor you are going to be. After you apply, if you are granted an interview, you have to interview in a more competitive process than getting into med school to some degree (you’re competing against all doctors now). So, say for example I wanted to be a surgeon. Having my surgery part of internship after these interviews is useless. You want them before you apply so you can get reference letters and meet the right people so they a) interview and b) accept you. So 6 months in, you have to have some idea of what type of specialty you would like to do.
This post is really nothing like I planned on writing, so I’ll get to the point at which I wanted to make. It’s a big motherfucking deal because once you choose it, this is the specialty you will do for the rest of your life. It’s not like normal jobs where you can move up, move out of the career or change it. You do undergrad (3-4 years), med school (4 years normally, mine is accelerated and 3 years but there are only 2 in North America that are 3) and then residency (5 years). So you’re pretty committed.
J’s Mom said to me, “What’s the big deal? Once you’re done med school you’ll have an MD and can do anything.” In fact, the truth is, I can do literally nothing with an MD that I can’t do now with a BHSc (ie/ research). I need to do a residency and there is no real flexibility once I choose my specialty. Let’s say I do my residency for 5 years and become an anesthesiologist. Let’s say I despise it with all my being. I can’t do anything else with that residency. If I find out that pediatrics is my calling, I have to go back and do five more years to become a pediatrician. Even if time wasn’t an issue, your actual ability to get back in and apply and interview at that point for a peds residency is almost zero. We are all so specialized that what you commit to is what you do forever. Nurses can easily change specialties as their jobs are transferable. Ours are not. And once you choose a residency, your chances of switching even before those 5 years are over is slim. Of course, there are always those exceptional cases but your commitment to your lifetime career begins when you apply. And in some ways, when I chose my rotation.
So that’s terrifying. How will I know what I’ll be happy with forever? What if I find something I love and it’s too late? How can I possibly experience enough of something even if I love it to be sure I won’t change my mind? Or find something I love more?
It’s like dating to me. But I was awful at dating. I fell in love at a young age and never really truly was into anyone else because I knew who I wanted all along. Unfortunately nothing like that has hit me yet. Well, it has, but I can’t do it because like I said, my rotation in it is so late I don’t have a real shot. But I’m currently in a phase where I’m not thinking about this very much (despite this post), so it’s all good.
I find it hard to understand people that base their lives on significant others. A part of any relationship is considering the other person in your decisions, but to base your life solely around someone else’s life is something I just cannot understand.
For example, I know a couple who have been dating for a long time. She originally had not planned on going to university but applied because her boyfriend did and went to the same school. After they both graduated, she chose a waitress job as he reapplied to medical school and “figured out his life”. She said she did not want to chose a job that was more established as they waited for his results. He got in, and now she is moving with him with no job or plan to follow him to school. This is absolutely insane to me. It would be more comprehensible to me if they were married. Or married with kids. But to be in a long term relationship? I just don’t get it.
I love J with all my heart. But it would never work if he were to ask me to give up my career for him or vise versa. I am also sure that if I had no ambition and wanted to follow him around like a puppy dog, he would rightly have no desire to be with me. I would never choose to rely completely on someone for financial dependence with no earning capability myself. Maybe it was the way I was raised. Maybe it’s something else. Am I being too harsh?
Had a fabulous week doing rural medicine. I got to see different things each day, and finally got to see two vaginal deliveries! This was exciting to me as I entered med school wanting to do obstetrics/gynecology or pediatrics mainly. Due to a negative teaching experience with obstetrics I didn’t return, and spent my time elsewhere in other specialties. So I thought that seeing some deliveries would help me determine whether or not I actually had ruled it out or not. I always find that things that I think will help me decide never really do. Like, “After this X I’ll know…” Be it a day, an elective, a couple week period…and I never do.
So I’ve learned interesting things from the delivery experiences and the labouring observations.
1. I’m not sure if I’d want an epidural or not. On one hand, it can make the experience more of a positive than negative experience. On the other, it delays labour by ~1 hr so would prolong it. I will have to compare more deliveries to see, and make that decision when contractions are experienced! (One day…far away)
2. Prenatal classes with the partner? Definitely.
3. Hopefully 2 will teach my partner to not say dumb things during labour. Encouragement and support, yes. Weird jokes during, no.
4. It’s a total complete mess of every single bodily fluid.
5. The baby looks dead when it comes out. Be warned. I discussed this with other students and we all were like, “Why did no one ever tell us this?” That’s why our faces are always shocked the first time. I also teared up.
I was very cynical for many years. This then adopted to realism, and then tentatively these past couple of years optimism/realism. I don’t think I ever really realized how unhappy I was until I was happy. Much of this was due to my relationship with J. I think if I had known then how abnormal it was and really just how miserable I was during the early years I would have ended it. Of course, if I had known I never would have gotten where I was now. Or maybe instead of glossing over things I’m making them out worse than then actually were in retrospect. I do chalk a lot of it up to teenage angst though. Maybe I would have been miserable anyhow.
The point is, I’m afraid the cynicism is returning. In full force. It’s as if I’ve been completely disenchanted to the goodness of others. I have always believed in the good in others and the capacity for change. Although this has screwed me over on countless occasions, I’ve prevailed. And I think I’m finally starting to realize that people honestly are just out for themselves. It saddens me. For humanity and because how can I believe in my career without this foundation? I’m doing all of this (by the way, med school is really fucking hard but we’ll get to that at another point I’m sure) to make people better. I’m doing this to help people. I’m not in it for myself, because if it was money I was after- trust me, being a doctor is not the way there, it’d be business. I want people to be better for their loved ones and for the good in the world. Now it feels like I’m learning to fix them just so they can screw over people and get their own way. I have to believe in the good of people to get through these shitty next seven years, and for my own sanity.
And now I’m realizing that the only people you can really trust are your family. Friends come and go. Friends can be friendship sluts. Relationships are transient. I don’t think J really realized that by confirming that people are really just out for themselves really made me reconsider everything. The basic “fact” of it. (We talked about it, he didn’t do something to make me think this.)
All the cynicism was deafening yesterday, and came in waves today. I miss my normal self and attitude. Hopefully they’ll come back soon because I’m pretty unhappy right now.
I think uncertainty is what defines much of fear. It’s not terrifying to know what’s coming and learn to accept it. You can learn to be alone if you know it’s going to be forever, and even believe that you are happy. Or even just be happy.
I’ve faced uncertainty, as has everyone else. And not much more than the typical individual but it’s not to say that it still doesn’t scare the shit out of me when it happens. There’s also that thrill sometimes of not knowing what’s next. But I feel that that’s minor compared to the anxiety associated with the idea already.
It was defining last year when I didn’t know what career I would be heading to. I believe it still is not knowing what specialty I will end up in. Choosing one doesn’t mean ending up in that one and not knowing if I’ll be happy wherever I end up is not reassuring. There are certain types of medicine that I could simply not practice for a living.
There are relationships as well. Friendships and with J. A long conversation with a close friend tonight reminded me of the transiency of relationships. I think I have forgotten that lately; being so sure of everything. Relationships are still fragile, nothing is ever really strong. They are all moments that both people are willing to share and we can all change our minds.
It’s as if realizing for the first time in a long while that people are mortal, and we all die at some point (I face this every day so I definitely know this). But I guess relationships are the same way- nothing is ever really permanent.
Last week, I had a conversation in class with my colleagues about humanities and medicine. My long lost love for writing came up, and I was asked why I have not continued to write. I have more great experiences now than I ever have; more material and more depth than before. My reasons fall into many categories. One of which is my last post a year ago about putting myself out there. Ever since medical school I realized how insecure I am about how I am perceived. To be honest, I wasn’t until I started school and I realized that these are going to be my colleagues for the rest of my life and the world is a very tiny bubble. People talk. A lot. And I’m not a particularly interesting character, but I know my life does come up in other people’s conversations. As well as, “What’s she like?” I used to love that I never cared what people thought. And being a socially awkward person, the fact that I do care now despite my common sense has shaped how I act to some degree.
I also do not write as I feel that a lot of what I have experienced is confidential. It is, of course. But apparently as long as identity is not revealed or can be discerned it is okay. I fear not being able to maintain that boundary and screwing it up. When the consequences are so extreme, it’s not worth the risk. I would rather not have anything held against me. (Once again, external perception- but also legality.) I don’t even journal about it in my personal journal and I find myself writing it in less and less.
Time is the final all revealing factor. But two days before my first OSCE, I’m finding time to write this so I’m not sure how much of an excuse that is. And really, these are just all excuses.
Edit/add: Also, I just read some of my old posts. Why do I sound like such a condescending asshole in all of them??
Summer
Summer is coming to a close. In exactly a week for me.
I think that it’s becoming clear (it always has been) that I’m not much of a blog person. I don’t really have the personality for it. I prefer quality over quantity and dislike doing things in my spare time out of a feeling of obligation. I also have a hard time throwing stuff up on the internet if people I know are actually going to be reading it. Low accountability is good.
I’m thinking of doing this 30 days of insight thing. (Below) Of course not 30 days straight because isn’t that just ridiculous? Lol. I’d source it but I honestly don’t know what the original source is.
