Last week, I had a conversation in class with my colleagues about humanities and medicine. My long lost love for writing came up, and I was asked why I have not continued to write. I have more great experiences now than I ever have; more material and more depth than before. My reasons fall into many categories. One of which is my last post a year ago about putting myself out there. Ever since medical school I realized how insecure I am about how I am perceived. To be honest, I wasn’t until I started school and I realized that these are going to be my colleagues for the rest of my life and the world is a very tiny bubble. People talk. A lot. And I’m not a particularly interesting character, but I know my life does come up in other people’s conversations. As well as, “What’s she like?” I used to love that I never cared what people thought. And being a socially awkward person, the fact that I do care now despite my common sense has shaped how I act to some degree.

I also do not write as I feel that a lot of what I have experienced is confidential. It is, of course. But apparently as long as identity is not revealed or can be discerned it is okay. I fear not being able to maintain that boundary and screwing it up. When the consequences are so extreme, it’s not worth the risk. I would rather not have anything held against me. (Once again, external perception- but also legality.) I don’t even journal about it in my personal journal and I find myself writing it in less and less.

Time is the final all revealing factor. But two days before my first OSCE, I’m finding time to write this so I’m not sure how much of an excuse that is. And really, these are just all excuses.

 

 

Edit/add: Also, I just read some of my old posts. Why do I sound like such a condescending asshole in all of them??

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