I think uncertainty is what defines much of fear. It’s not terrifying to know what’s coming and learn to accept it. You can learn to be alone if you know it’s going to be forever, and even believe that you are happy. Or even just be happy.
I’ve faced uncertainty, as has everyone else. And not much more than the typical individual but it’s not to say that it still doesn’t scare the shit out of me when it happens. There’s also that thrill sometimes of not knowing what’s next. But I feel that that’s minor compared to the anxiety associated with the idea already.
It was defining last year when I didn’t know what career I would be heading to. I believe it still is not knowing what specialty I will end up in. Choosing one doesn’t mean ending up in that one and not knowing if I’ll be happy wherever I end up is not reassuring. There are certain types of medicine that I could simply not practice for a living.
There are relationships as well. Friendships and with J. A long conversation with a close friend tonight reminded me of the transiency of relationships. I think I have forgotten that lately; being so sure of everything. Relationships are still fragile, nothing is ever really strong. They are all moments that both people are willing to share and we can all change our minds.
It’s as if realizing for the first time in a long while that people are mortal, and we all die at some point (I face this every day so I definitely know this). But I guess relationships are the same way- nothing is ever really permanent.
