I was very cynical for many years. This then adopted to realism, and then tentatively these past couple of years optimism/realism. I don’t think I ever really realized how unhappy I was until I was happy. Much of this was due to my relationship with J. I think if I had known then how abnormal it was and really just how miserable I was during the early years I would have ended it. Of course, if I had known I never would have gotten where I was now. Or maybe instead of glossing over things I’m making them out worse than then actually were in retrospect. I do chalk a lot of it up to teenage angst though. Maybe I would have been miserable anyhow.
The point is, I’m afraid the cynicism is returning. In full force. It’s as if I’ve been completely disenchanted to the goodness of others. I have always believed in the good in others and the capacity for change. Although this has screwed me over on countless occasions, I’ve prevailed. And I think I’m finally starting to realize that people honestly are just out for themselves. It saddens me. For humanity and because how can I believe in my career without this foundation? I’m doing all of this (by the way, med school is really fucking hard but we’ll get to that at another point I’m sure) to make people better. I’m doing this to help people. I’m not in it for myself, because if it was money I was after- trust me, being a doctor is not the way there, it’d be business. I want people to be better for their loved ones and for the good in the world. Now it feels like I’m learning to fix them just so they can screw over people and get their own way. I have to believe in the good of people to get through these shitty next seven years, and for my own sanity.
And now I’m realizing that the only people you can really trust are your family. Friends come and go. Friends can be friendship sluts. Relationships are transient. I don’t think J really realized that by confirming that people are really just out for themselves really made me reconsider everything. The basic “fact” of it. (We talked about it, he didn’t do something to make me think this.)
All the cynicism was deafening yesterday, and came in waves today. I miss my normal self and attitude. Hopefully they’ll come back soon because I’m pretty unhappy right now.
