So I’ve been meaning to write in here for a while…all summer actually. I guess I was hoping for some clarity which never came.
Life has been good but stressful. I never write when I’m in a good place, so it’s always best when my blogs never hear from me. I’m trying to change that but it’s hard- it feels like showcasing how fabulous things are in my life and is asking for things to go wrong. Also, my life is pretty boring and repetitive (but I like it that way). I study a lot, go out for too much sushi and hang out with J. The most exciting thing I did all week other than my last MSK clinical skills exam (which wasn’t really exciting) was play Settlers of Catan for the first time with some friends until 1am. Med students know how to party right? (We actually ditched out on the bar to finish the game.)
So, I thought I would use this post to explain my possible crazy behaviour on twitter. I haven’t really talked about it lately but I’ve been really holding it in, so this may just be a justification for the future. More than usual, I’ve been freaking out over what specialty I want to go into. There are certain time periods where I will think about it for days and then have a week or so off. J and I spent an entire weekend making spreadsheets and talking about it (best boyfriend in the world!). To be honest, I should probably be thinking about it more than I am. So, in one of my first classes of med school, one of our facilitators (like a professor) mentioned that we would need to explain some of what our life is like to people we care about who are not in the field. Because otherwise we would seem crazy, antisocial, flaky…many things. Eg. why we never have time for other people. She suggested we write a letter/email and send it out to family/friends weekly. Clearly, I have not done anything even close to that.
In order to redeem myself, I will explain why this specialty thing is such a big deal. Like, motherfucking huge. (That’s what she said!)
So we all apply to med school, with the desire to be a doctor. Very rarely do people actually know what TYPE of doctor they want to be. They might have an idea, but the actual practice of things is so different and one never truly experiences anything close to that career until you get the privileges that come with being in med school (ie/ being able to see patients on your own, reporting, pseudo diagnosing…responsibility). Plus by that time you’re just so excited to get in you’re like, “I’ll figure this shit out later”. For example, I thought I wanted to go into obstetrics/gyn or pediatrics. Not until getting into med school would it have been possible for me to see all these types of deliveries and gyn surgeries and realize that I in no way want to be a surgeon. And there is a LOT of surgery in gyn.
So yeah. Then 6 months into med school you pick what clerkship rotation you want to have. Clerkship is like internship to put it in layman’s terms. Depending on what rotation you are in, the order in which you do the interning for specialties for the rest of med school is different. And extremely important. Because a year into your clerkship you apply for residency, which determines what type of doctor you are going to be. After you apply, if you are granted an interview, you have to interview in a more competitive process than getting into med school to some degree (you’re competing against all doctors now). So, say for example I wanted to be a surgeon. Having my surgery part of internship after these interviews is useless. You want them before you apply so you can get reference letters and meet the right people so they a) interview and b) accept you. So 6 months in, you have to have some idea of what type of specialty you would like to do.
This post is really nothing like I planned on writing, so I’ll get to the point at which I wanted to make. It’s a big motherfucking deal because once you choose it, this is the specialty you will do for the rest of your life. It’s not like normal jobs where you can move up, move out of the career or change it. You do undergrad (3-4 years), med school (4 years normally, mine is accelerated and 3 years but there are only 2 in North America that are 3) and then residency (5 years). So you’re pretty committed.
J’s Mom said to me, “What’s the big deal? Once you’re done med school you’ll have an MD and can do anything.” In fact, the truth is, I can do literally nothing with an MD that I can’t do now with a BHSc (ie/ research). I need to do a residency and there is no real flexibility once I choose my specialty. Let’s say I do my residency for 5 years and become an anesthesiologist. Let’s say I despise it with all my being. I can’t do anything else with that residency. If I find out that pediatrics is my calling, I have to go back and do five more years to become a pediatrician. Even if time wasn’t an issue, your actual ability to get back in and apply and interview at that point for a peds residency is almost zero. We are all so specialized that what you commit to is what you do forever. Nurses can easily change specialties as their jobs are transferable. Ours are not. And once you choose a residency, your chances of switching even before those 5 years are over is slim. Of course, there are always those exceptional cases but your commitment to your lifetime career begins when you apply. And in some ways, when I chose my rotation.
So that’s terrifying. How will I know what I’ll be happy with forever? What if I find something I love and it’s too late? How can I possibly experience enough of something even if I love it to be sure I won’t change my mind? Or find something I love more?
It’s like dating to me. But I was awful at dating. I fell in love at a young age and never really truly was into anyone else because I knew who I wanted all along. Unfortunately nothing like that has hit me yet. Well, it has, but I can’t do it because like I said, my rotation in it is so late I don’t have a real shot. But I’m currently in a phase where I’m not thinking about this very much (despite this post), so it’s all good.
